Fight Better--Know When to Take a Break

Research shows that how we fight makes a difference in our long-term relationship happiness (Gottman & Silver, 2000).* People who are able to negotiate, stay calm, avoid blame, listen, and communicate their feelings tend to have more positive outcomes both in individual disagreements and in their relationships overall. The problem is that many of us face an uphill climb to learn to fight this way.

Our intentions are not the problem--most of us have the intention to act in calm and reasonable ways even when we are upset. The problem is that fighting puts all of these lessons to the test. When we fight, our bodies have a physiological reaction. Yours may be different from mine, but if we were to hook ourselves up to a biofeedback machine we’d be able to track changes in breathing, heart rate, and skin temperature. When our bodies have these types of physiological reactions, the reactions send a message back to the brain: “Warning! Warning!” In response our brains are more alert for threats, and more likely to respond in a self-protective manner.

How quickly does your body and brain respond to a perceived threat? For some folks a partner saying, “We need to talk” can elevate their heart rate. For others it takes an hour of fighting before they are really physically overloaded. Unfortunately you don’t get to choose your body, but you can choose how you take care of it. When your body starts to show some of the signs of responding strongly to fighting you have a problem to address. If you don’t address it your body may become more and more physiologically overwhelmed. Folks who are feeling overwhelmed are at increased risk for aggression, leaving, or mentally shutting down. None of these will help you through a fight with someone you love.

So what does help? You need to find ways to calm yourself or ask for help calming down from your partner. For most folks that means taking a break from the fight. Some people take a walk, pet the cat, or watch TV. Some people need a hug, cook a meal, or read a book. Some people meditate, do yoga, or spend ten minutes deep breathing. The first step is to notice when and how your body sends you warning signals that you are getting physiologically overwhelmed. The second step is to decode how you specifically can calm your body back down. If you can develop some skills in this area, you are already on your way to fighting better.

People who learn how to calm themselves have more productive arguments and don’t tend to get stuck having the same fight over and over and over. Doesn’t that sound good? Learning to soothe yourself in the midst of a fight can actually help you work through issues better in the long term.

Take care and fight fair,

Jennifer Stoos
Rekindle Counseling

*If you are experiencing violence in your relationship please get professional help as soon as possible. In the Twin Cities you can call 211 (First Call for Help) for referrals to places that help with relationship violence. This article does not address violence and cannot stand as a substitute for direct professional support for your relationship. 

_______________________________

Marriage counseling and couple counseling are available at Rekindle Counseling, located at on France Ave. in Edina, Minnesota. If you live in Minnesota call today for a free thirty-minute consultation: 952-929-9929.

Rekindle Counseling, 6950 France Ave. S., #204, Edina, Minnesota, 55435.